Just Another Manic Monday!

I couldn't sleep all night because Jer snores like a vacuum cleaner so I've been exhausted all day.  Even the countless attempts at elbowing him would not make him be quiet.  At one point I told him to please stop breathing and in his sleep he replied "If I stop breathing, I won't be alive."  I followed that with a "Well, then at least you would be quiet."  Yes, I could've just gone to sleep in Phoenix's bunk bed or on the couch, but I stubborn.

Then early this morning we had a lady come out to appraise the house for our landlord.  At least that was quick. Then Jer check his bank account this morning and his money still wasn't in the account.  He called the bank and they said it wouldn't clear until midnight tonight, which makes absolutely no sense.  If he would've brought the check before 2 this afternoon it would clear, but if he brought it in on Friday it wouldn't?  So after a couple calls, he finally got his money.

Next I went to clean Nana's house, then we went on a quick trip to the store to find me a new cell phone but they didn't have the one I wanted so I will just have to wait.  Lastly, I took a dreaded math test that turned out terribly.  All in all, it was a productive and interesting day!  Hopefully I can sleep tonight or the vacuum clearner is going to the couch!

Math!

ARGH!  Math is my arch nemesis.  If it's not one thing getting in my way, it's another, and now I am having an evil duel with math.  I don't know what got into me with signing up for an ONLINE math class.  I must have been drunk.  Well, that isn't true since I don't drink, but I must not have been thinking clearly that is for sure.

I assumed that all math entailed numbers of some sort.  I didn't know math would include sentences and definitions that make it seem like it is English class.  I must be naive or dumb.  Not sure which just yet.  All I know is that I just spent almost 5 hours working on my homework.  I TRIED to work on it the other day but it made my head spin so I stupidly let it all wait till the last minute.  Never again I tell you, never again.

I said on my Facebook that I would rather gouge my eyes out with a plastic butter knife than do my math homework, and boy is that the truth.  At least I completed what was due and I have about 15 days to work on the next assignments.  Hopefully I space them out so I don't make my brain want to jump out of my head again.  This is how I feel:

Lazy Saturday

Jer went to work with dad today and Phoenix and I just lounged around the house.  Mom brought lunch over which was nice.  I'm getting ready to go to the movies with my nieces which should be fun.  We are going to see The Rite.  Hopefully it's scary, but not too scary as I am a chicken.

Other than that, Jer's paycheck is missing.  He deposited it in the bank yesterday and it has yet to be put in his account.  The people on the phone can't tell him anything, so we have to wait until Monday to talk to somebody about his money floating in oblivion.  Not fun, but hopefully we will figure out what's going on.

Sorry that I am boring lately.  I am just doing the school thing, the worrying about bills thing, and the mothering thing.

Frustrating Day

Nothing new here, other than crappy things that nobody wants to read about.  This goes along with my crappy attitude.  Tomorrow should be better.  Tomorrow will be better actually.  I think Jer and I are going to the movies tomorrow.  Yes, I will actually get out of the house for something other than school.  YAY!!

Now, I am off to watch Dateline and 20/20 ,which I will hopefully develop an awesome blog from, or at least some entertainment.  I promise to come back tomorrow with a better attitude.

Sick

I woke up sick this morning and missed school.  So, not only am I in a bad mood because I am sick, but I'm annoyed that I missed school.  Yes, I am hard on myself.  I'm working on it.  I'm pretty sure I have the flu and hopefully it's just a 24 hour thing.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyways.

On another note, I found out today that my birthday is on Superbowl Sunday.  That does not make me excited.  Well, I'm going back to lay down now.

Wrap It Up Wednesday

This week is Ludacris week!

Sublime

I'm in a Sublime mood today. Yes, I am resorting to music again, kill me if you must.

Be Gone, Depression!

I struggle with severe depression and anxiety, which is no secret.  I try to fake a smile, and trudge forward, but I've never been a good liar, or a good faker.  I have been on the medicine merry go round since June of last year.  One medicine made me gain 65 pounds in a year, while the next put me in the hospital due to a deathly allergic reaction.  After that HORRIBLE experience, I tried to face the world on my own, without any medication, but once October hit, I just couldn't.

This started a vicious cycle of one medicine, after the other.  Some not working at all, with the most recent medicine making me an anxious, crazy, and manic mess.  I'm also an insomniac and the medicine made me so nervous, I couldn't even sleep or sit still.  It was miserable.  So, here I am again, medicine free, and I can honestly say I feel 100% better than I did with the last medication.  I still have difficult parts in the day, but I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now.  Before I couldn't even see a tunnel.

I know that some people believe that depression and anxiety is a certain mindset, and I respectfully disagree.  I feel that more people need to become aware of mental health problems and try to understand them better.  Fellow sufferers who are just like me, do their best at trying to wake up everyday with a positive mindset, but it just doesn't always happen like that.  Your mind is a powerful thing and when you have a chemical imbalance, it's basically impossible to overcome that on your own.  Trust me, oh boy have I tried.

However, I do try my best.  I force myself to go through daily routines.  I force myself to be the best I can be.  Some days I come up short and some days I am  very proud of myself.  I know that I will never completely overcome depression and the anxiety, and will probably have to always be on some type of medication, but I have made an oath to myself that I will not let it get the best of me.  Deep down, I am a great person.  I am loyal, nice, giving, shy, strong, and a wonderful mother.  I may not always come across that way as I tend to not make good impressions of myself, but I really am proud of the person I've become.

I will not give up.  I will keep looking for that sunshine.  Sometimes when I am trying a new medication, or withdrawing from an old one, it is more than hard to feel this way, but I'm trying to etch it in my brain.  I go to my doctor in a few weeks and I just know we will find the perfect medication for me and with my strong will, I WILL succeed. :o)

I Don't Watch Sports

Am I the only person on the planet that doesn't watch sports, or isn't invested in a certain sport or sports team?  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but I'm beginning to think I'm the only non sports person on the planet.

There are days when my Facebook is completely overloaded with game jargon which then makes my brain completely overloaded because I don't understand what people are saying or what in the world is going on.  As a kid I played T-Ball and some softball, but that's about it.  I always wanted to play soccer but that never happened. 

Nowadays, I'm bored to tears if I am forced to watch the Superbowl or watch football around the holidays.  I've never understood basketball. I can tolerate baseball.  I enjoy watching my niece play soccer, when the season rolls around, and I like watching my other niece pole vault, but that's the closest you will ever find me near a sport, other than when Phoenix starts playing soccer in the Spring. 

I guess I am lucky that Jer isn't a sports fan.  He is a die hard Red Sox fan, but I guess he loves me enough not to make me suffer through watching them with him. :o) Even though I am not a die hard sports fan, I will still give Phoenix every opportunity to play any sport that she wishes.  I think it is very important to give children experiences and let them "test the waters" with activities.  I will just keep my bah humbug sports attitude to myself.

Productive Saturday

Today we first went and signed Phoenix up for Spring soccer. Let us hope it is more successful than dance was. Phoenix was really excited to go to sign ups because she thought she was going to play soccer today, so you can imagine the big let down she had when she didn't end up playing and her first game won't be until April.

Next I went with mom and we shopped all over town. I am trying to find a snow suit for Phoenix, but have not been successful yet. I did find her a hat, gloves, and snow boots, so that is good. I also found the CUTEST high heeled toddler boots that I have ever seen, and once I save up enough money, they will be mine...er...Phoenix's and I will definitely include a picture.

I also bought Jer the biggest energy drink I have ever seen in my entire life and I found a fantastic deal on K-Cups. I got 48 Donut House K-Cups for $19.00. Everywhere else the box I got is priced $50.00, so I was totally excited!

It was nice to get out of the house and be carefree for a few hours. I totally needed it.

Finger Trick

Apparently my fingers are double jointed and I can do weird things with them. My niece's have always told me that I have alien fingers. I can dislocate them and bend them back really far. Next is a picture, but it is definitely freakier and more impressive in person.

Impressed? That is basically the only talent I was born with, so I try to embrace it.

Lame Day

I'm bummy today, so I've chosen yet another song for the blog. Sorry this is an all music week. At least the song is good. It was my favorite song for years.

Wrap It Up Wednesday

This week is T.I.'s week to shine! Enjoy!

Tom Petty Tuesday

I decided to dedicate today to one of my favorite artists. Yes it's not rap, but who doesn't love Tom Petty? I was born and raised in North Carolina, so it would be illegal if I didn't like him.

I'm Too Busy On Mondays To Blog Because Of:

TRASHY TV!!

Today Was...

Chili Day

I haven't eaten homemade chili in who knows how long. My stepdad cooked some for me and even cooked enough so I could bring some home. Jer hates chili so this is a special treat and a special day for me!

Dateline

As usual last night, I followed my normal routine of watching one of my favorite shows, Dateline. Being a Criminal Justice major, I am intrigued by crime, as terrible as that sounds, so mysteries are my favorite things to watch. Last night's show was beyond peculiar, and interesting to say the least.

It was about Michael Lane.

The British motivational speaker and "spiritual healer" told police he wanted to help 44-year-old Ginger Candela achieve a deeper state of medication. Then he hit her with a frying pan and killed her, say Las Vegas police. He had only known Candela for around a week before he killed her. She was interested in him romantically, while he didn't feel the same way about her. Lane told investigators that he and Candela were in her bedroom when he compressed her carotid arteries to help her achieve a deeper state of meditation.


He said that while she was passed out, he just got the urge to kill her, that he had no reason why and to this day doesn't understand why. He also said that people always tell him he doesn't look like the type to do something like this, and he said he didn't think he was the type to commit such an act either. He hit her in the head with a frying pan, then strangled her with a cord. She was dead for 2 days before he went to Home Depot where he was caught on camera three separate occasions buying bleach, an ax, and a trash can, all with Candela's credit card.


He then dismembered her body and put it in the trash can with the bleach. He said he saw on CSI and NCIS where bleach was used to remove skin. He stayed in Candela's house for 2 weeks after she was dead and before she was reported missing. Her daughter's didn't report her missing sooner because they thought they were receiving text messages from her, when it was actually Lane messaging them. Lane stole Candela's checks and was writing checks to himself, even misspelling Candela's first name. Lane was also involved in a sex website where he invited a transvestite over to Candela's house while she was dead in the trash can. The transvestite wanted to leave, but Lane didn't want her to, so he ran over her. He was also charged with running over the woman. 


I think this was seriously one of the creepiest stories I have ever heard, and I've heard a lot. Lane had no obvious motive, and doesn't seem like the type that would do something like this, but it takes all kinds. I can't wait to see what next Friday's episode brings! You should tune in!

De-Motivational Posters

I'm sure you're familiar with them, I mean who isn't? They're the funny pictures with the witty sayings that we are usually all thinking, but afraid to say. I will now grace you with a few funnies.

Top 10 Reasons I Hate Snow

(in no order)

1. It seems like it just keeps snowing forever and ever.

2. We can't get out of our driveway and go ANYWHERE. Talk about cabin fever.

3. When we can FINALLY get out of said driveway, it is pure ice and it scares me to death to the point of panic attacks and me not wanting to drive ever again.

4. The snow here never melts, seriously.

5. It always snows here on weekends, come on, I mean is that necessary? Really?

6. Snow is not fun to play in anymore when you get to my point in life; maybe I'm just old and boring.

7. We don't own attire to play out in the snow.

8. People flood Facebook with every tidbit about the snow begging for it to hit, then when it does, they beg for it to leave.

9. The power and television go out. That is for the birds I tell ya.

10. Lastly, I live in the south for a reason. It is not supposed to snow in North Carolina, I actually I think we should make it illegal.

Wrap It Up Wednesday

This week we are going old school with the rap. Well, maybe not necessarily old school, but old songs that are some of my favorites. :o)

Teach Me How To Snuggie!

This has to be the funniest video ever. First of all, if you know me, you know I am a huge fan of the Snuggie. No, it is not a backwards robe. This song is a parody on the "Teach Me How To Dougie" rap song that I do not like. However, I love this remake.

Snowmageddon Again!

So we were told we would have a huge snow today and right on cue at about 12:35 am it started snowing. By 1:45 am (I never sleep) we already had 2 inches. Now it looks like we have around a foot or more. I know this isn't a lot for other areas, but here it makes it impossible for life to continue. We are just not equipped for snow around here. It just puts me in constant panic because I get nervous that the power will go out. I know we won't be leaving the house for several days, since there's not way my car will make it out!

Top 10 Sad Songs:

As you should know by now, I consider every song that isn't a rap song, pretty much a "sad song" so I have decided to dedicate today to the saddest songs I know. How fun and uplifting, right? They're actually not bad songs, just sad. I hate sad. One might not consider these songs sad, but I do and I'm always right.

I'm Selena And I'm Addicted To...

Games on Facebook. I pretty much will give them all a shot. I start playing them and will play them until I get annoyed with them. This could take a few minutes, or years. My games of choice right now are:

I actually only play Farmville just to master all of the crops. I think I am about half way, or a little over half way there. So yes, it's boring, but when I set out to do something, I do it, so I will finish all the crops. Just tell them to stop making new ones that slow my progress down.

I've been pretty addicted to Wheel of Fortune lately, but it's probably because it's a rather challenging game. Yes it is challenging, don't try to tell me anything differently. I probably take this game the most serious because the ranking in it just seems more official and competitive. Nothing wrong with a little competition.

Next on the list is Candy Shop. My aunt needed neighbors so I decided I would try it out. I like it. It's cute and simple and definitely the opposite of serious. I like mindless games. I also like candy, just so you know.

My newest venture, as recent as today is Baking Life. It seems to be like candy shop, just a little more detailed and involved. I'll give it a whirl as it didn't immediately drive me nuts and actually seems quite adorable. You can make custom cupcakes. Right when I started the game, I neglected to look to see how much money I had and I was making red velvet cupcakes with special blue frosting and sprinkles, put in a rainbow wrapper. I was more concerned with the fact that the cupcakes looked awesome than the fact that it was costing me 200 coins a piece. Yeah, not one of my best gaming moments!

So there you have it, my life in Facebook games. Now become my neighbor in one of them and help me out! Pretty please?

Why I Love Rap Music

As you should know by now, my life is completely consumed by rap music. It is my guilty pleasure and my love. Why, you ask? I love everything about it. The beats, the lyrics, even the F bombs. I don't like sad, depressing music. Even when rap songs are deep and sentimental, they are not sad. Yes, rap songs can be heartfelt, sentimental, and deep. I don't mind the cuss words because I have a mouth like a sailor, plus they help get points across.

I love the rhyming. It is so creative and I am anything but, so I admire rapper's abilities. I get upset when people automatically dislike rap music or won't give it a chance, or say that it's impossible to understand the lyrics. I understand that everybody has their own opinion and own music tastes, but some people won't even give it a shot without saying hurtful, disrespectful things about the music that brings me so much joy.

If you think about it, rap is similar to county music as they both tell life stories and are very descriptive, but I feel like rapper's take a more light hearted approach to their songs and don't make them as sad. They want to get their feelings out and have fun at the same time. What's wrong with having fun?

I know I probably haven't changed anyone's mind or opinion, and that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to convey why I feel the way I do about rap music and how it helps me get through all of the bumps in life and helps me keep on keeping on.

Plus, they leave us with great quotes like:

50 cent^^

Top 10 Favorite Television Shows That Are Airing Now:

(in alphabetical order)

Wrap It Up Wednesday

This week will be a mixture of songs that are in my head. As always, enjoy!

And dedicated to my little Phoenix, because she loves this song:

Lack Of Inspiration

I wouldn't necessarily say I have a lack of inspiration already with this blog, but I will say that I struggle a little bit more every day to think of interesting and intriguing things to write about. I don't want to get too personal, but I don't want to live a double life from my blog either.

It is also very important to me, for some reason, to never miss a day in blogging. I haven't so far and I am very proud of myself for that. There have been some days that I just didn't really want to do it, or couldn't think of anything to write about, but somehow I pushed through, just as I am doing now, except now I am writing about having nothing to write about. You still following me? I'm not a creative or very motivated person with things that I am not REQUIRED to do, so following through with this blog and writing everyday on my own accord is awesome I think.

It's January, things are dull, mundane, and not so great, but they will get better with time, I just know it. I start back to college again soon, which will be good for my spirit, other than the fact that I have to take a class in public speaking. Yes, you might as well just go ahead and kill me now. I hate speaking and I hate speaking in public so I couldn't be anymore opposite of the class, but it is a must, so I will take it and I shall succeed in it.

So lack of inspiration, please go away. Please grant me with lots of ideas and things to write about. If anybody has any ideas, I'm game.

I will leave you with a funny quote by my man Weezy- "Life is a beach, I'm just playin' in the sand."

Oh How I Love Free Clinics!

Well, I had finally had enough of my sinus infection and decided to do something about it. Fortunately for me, the free clinic had a cancellation and they got me in tonight, and early even, as they called me to come in earlier! The other times I have been there haven't been as awesome.

This time I was in and out in around 10 minutes. The nurse and the LPN were both nice.

The last time I went they basically told me I was fat and I had to have blood work done. They told me to get it done at their building for free and to fast the night before. I followed their instructions and showed up ready for my blood work when I was told, nope it wouldn't be free. I wasn't a happy camper, plus I was hungry.

The time before that I went for a sinus infection (imagine that) and as soon as they saw my name was Selena, they sent me back with a Spanish translator who wouldn't stop speaking to me in Spanish even though I kept telling her I didn't understand her. She was really nice but she was checking my blood pressure and getting my pulse at the same time and refused to let the blood pressure cuff go down to the point that I was purple and almost passed out. It is entertaining and funny now, but at the time it wasn't anything of the sort.

Since the last time I went I have lost almost 30 pounds due to being taken off of a certain medication. When the LPN saw me tonight she kept mentioning the last time I was there and about my weight so I said "Can I show you how much I've lost, please weigh me!" This is probably the first time ever anybody has begged to be weighed, but she weighed me and was pleased, as was I since I now have validation.

So the end to this very boring post is that free clinics sometimes rock and sometimes they don't, but they are free, and mostly helpful. I am beyond grateful that they are there for people like me who have no insurance.

Now I would like to eat some:

How's that for random? It's crab rangoon in case you didn't know and I would kill for some, in case you didn't know that either.

Panic Attacks Suck Donkey Balls

Panic attacks take up most of my days lately. I can't really put a finger on what my triggers are, but I'm not good at avoiding them. This is just consuming me, consuming my life and it has to stop. It has been on going since October. I need to fight this. I need to figure this out. I want my life back. I want to be able to breathe. I want to stop worrying. I want to smile. I hate money. I hate bills. I hate worry. I won't ever escape those things so I need to learn how to cope with them. For some reason my brain just cannot handle them lately. Instead, I just feel like hiding.

New Years Boring Day

Nothing new to report really. Jer went to take a drug test today for his new job, so he officially got the new, better one of the 3 he was offered and we are so excited! I have a sinus infection and no insurance so I am trying to battle through it with home remedies. Phoenix is loving her new hair cut and last night put her hair in her face and said "I need another hair cut, it's in my face and hurting my brain." So I guess she's addicted to being a princess now.

Other than that I have been watching a marathon of:

And I am currently reading: 

Yes, we're wild and crazy on New Years Eve and New Years Day, so crazy we can hardly contain ourselves. :o)